Posts Tagged ‘pregnancy loss’

Day 77

May 21, 2009

So, time is passing, as I knew it would.  I’ve been a lot better the last few days.  I’ve started working at my new job, so I’ve been trying to focus on that.  I had a hard time when the nurse called me on Tuesday to tell me that my HCG levels had dropped to 500.  It is good that they’re dropping, because I can’t move on until they do, but it was just also a reminder of what I lost.  Last time the nurse told me my HCG levels she was telling me how great they looked because they were rising, so my pregnancy looked healthy.  So much for that.

Anyway, I was  a little bit sad, but I took a deep breath and kept going.

My husband and I are meeting with my doctor tomorrow.  I assume he’ll tell us that we need to wait until my HCG levels go down to zero, and then we can talk about next steps.  Because I have so long to wait, I guess I’m kind of just trying to forget about everything for the moment.  It’s not like the next step in this process will be immediate.  I also have been thinking that we haven’t really been trying for that long.  We really started trying last August, and by October we were at the doctor figuring out a plan for IVF.  I went on the pill within the next couple months after that, and then was waiting for insurance approval, etc., before starting IVF in March.  So, maybe we tried for four months at the most on our own.  That’s not very long.  It just seems like forever.

I’m going to meet with the therapist again today.  This time I’m going by myself, since my husband is at work.  I think it will  be my last time going.  It will be good to talk through things one more time.  I haven’t really been talking to my family about it.  I think they think that I’m strong enough to just move through it myself.  I also think that maybe my mother doesn’t want to talk to me about it, since she had four miscarriages herself, and it is a painful subject (okay, I stole that thought from my husband, but I think he’s right). 

So, I’m still moving forward.  I’m STILL smoking.  Just a couple a day, but I really need to quit.  I do keep telling myself that in a couple of months I’ll have to quit anyway since I’ll be doing another round of IVF.  For now it really helps me to calm down.  It’s terrible, I know.  I feel guilty about it, but I also feel like it’s helping me to feel better.  I’m sure I’ll regret it when I get lung cancer…


Day 80

May 18, 2009

So yesterday was another horrible day.  I attribute it to the drop in hormone levels.   My husband and I went to Ikea to get a rug for my new office, and I just lost it.  There were so many babies there.  I fell into a deep spiral of despair.  It took me hours to get out of it.  I was just so utterly sad.  And I kept thinking that there was no way I could ever subject myself to this pain again. 

My husband got me out of it.  He is unbelievably amazing.  Other people may have children, but I have the best husband I could have ever hoped for.  He stayed with me, he talked to me, he soothed me, and by the end of the evening we were holding each other and dancing together.  It hit me at that point that no matter what happens, whether we have children or not, I will be okay.  I love being with him, and I love our lives together.

So, today I woke up, and started on my new job.  I have a ton to do. 

I’m still not totally happy, of course, but I’m functioning.  And at this point I think functioning is all I can hope for.

I have my first blood test tomorrow, which will undoubtedly show I still have hcg in my system.  But then I can go back in a week and I hope my levels will have dropped.  I’m meeting with my doctor on Friday.  I’m not bleeding very much anymore, so I hope he’ll say I’m recovering well.  And then it’s onwards to plan b.  I would LOVE to try naturally before we do IVF again, but I’m not going to compromise our timetable.  If my doctor wants to put me on birth control right away, I will go on it. 

That’s all for now.  I think the worst part of this is not knowing how I’ll feel ten minutes from now.  I could be fine for the rest of the day, or I could totally lose it.  I’m REALLY going to try not to.  I have a bunch of embryos waiting in the freezer for me.  I need to be ready to give them a good home!

Day 84

May 14, 2009

Today I got started on my new job–helping open a new store and helping my father run his commercial real estate.  It was good to have a new project to start on.

Yesterday my husband and I met with the therapist.  It was good to talk things over.  I was really looking for her to tell me that it was okay that I was moving on.  Everyone keeps saying it’s going to be so hard for so long, and I want to say, okay, I get it, I’m going to be in pain, but at the same time, I really did have an explosive session of grief.  I lost control of myself for a good twenty-four hours.  But then I came back, and I really think I’m moving forward.  She did say that that was okay.  There is no set path to this grieving process.  That was good to hear.  She also said most people couldn’t do what I did–which was to get it most of my grief out in one explosive session.  Not that I’m not going to keep being in pain, because I will, but it’s more a dull ache from time to time, as opposed to overwhelming pain.

Physically I have felt pretty bad over the last twenty-four hours.  I started cramping and bleeding really heavily last night.  I called the doctor on call, who said that it was normal, and actually it meant that my uterus was contracting back to normal size.  He said a great thing which was “hopefully this will all be over soon and you can move forward from this.”  I really needed to hear that, and it made me look at the physical symptoms in a positive way.  I have to go in on Tuesday for a beta to see where my hcg levels are.  Inevitably they will still be high, and I’ll have to go in after another week.  I feel like the two month waiting period will just be extended further and further…but who knows.  I’m meeting with my doctor next Friday.  I’m hoping he’ll say that I just have to wait for two periods.  If so, then I hope I’ll be able to go on provera in another couple of weeks to get my period, and then birth control so it will only be one more month after that before I get my period again.  If that’s the case, then maybe I’ll stay on the two month schedule.  I REALLY hope so.

I keep thinking about all of my frozen embryos (we had 16 embryos–and at least 10 of them they were going to freeze-but we haven’t gotten the official report since my doctor hadn’t bothered to have the embryos analyzed since I had been “successful”).  Anyway, my thought is that there are at least 10 (I hope) little embryos waiting for the chance to grow, and if I can get ready over the next two months to give them a good home, that will be great. 

I also keep telling myself that I’m getting through this and moving on for my future children.  I can’t get them (however I end up getting them, either by having them, or adopting) unless I’m strong enough to move on from this experience. 

In the meantime, I’m going to get my business going, and start eating healthier.  The one horrible thing I’ve let myself do during this grieving is smoke.  Not much, but after I’m done with the pack I bought on the day I found out about the miscarriage, then I’m done.  I’ll go back to being healthy.  I’m still concerned about working out.  The study my doctor told me about (which was done by Brigham and Women’s hospital–my hospital–and Harvard Medical School) showed that women who exercised more than 4 hours a week 1-9 years before doing IVF had drastically reduced success rates.  The article abstract is here: in case anyone is interested.  I’ve been an avid exerciser for years, and now I think all that time I thought I was doing the right thing, I wasn’t!  My plan is to start swimming after I’m healed from the D&E (two weeks from now).  I’ll also walk.  It will be a huge change from the running, spinning, lifting I used to do. 

That’s it for today.  Tomorrow it will be one week since I found out.  I feel like I’ve come so far in that one week.  I’m going to try to keep moving only forward…

Day 86

May 13, 2009

I’m back from my D&C.  I was really happy to get it over with so now I can move on.  I’m still doing okay, although I’m frustrated with having to wait two more months to start again.  Also, my doctor recommended that I don’t do the triathlon.  Apparently there was a study done that said that people who run (e.g., me), have a harder time getting pregnant/keeping the pregnancy when doing IVF.  That seems counterintuitive to me.  I would think that exercising would be good for you.  Anyway, I’ll just swim and bike instead.  I’m still determined to get back into shape before I start my next IVF cycle.

But, for today, I went to McDonalds for dinner.  I figure if I have to go through a miscarriage, I can enjoy fries and a shake without worrying about the calories.

Tomorrow we’re going to meet with the therapist.  I feel okay mentally, but I want to make sure I address all of the emotional pain before I move on.  I think it is a healthier thing to do than just moving on.

I have seen many pregnant woman/people with infants in the past few days, but surprisingly I haven’t been devastated by it.  It isn’t going to help me any if other people aren’t happy. 

I also have been getting comfort from the fact that my husband and I are managing to move on.  Undoubtedly we’ll experience more pain and loss in our lives, and it is great to know that we have the emotional resources to deal with it.

Tomorrow, as always, is another day.  I’m looking forward to it.