Day 87

May 11, 2009

So today I woke up, and I wasn’t overwhelmingly sad.  I was a bit sad on the way to work, but once I got here, and started talking to people, I felt a lot better.

Yesterday was tough.  I had moments of bursting into tears randomly.  Tomorrow is going to be even tougher, since I’m having the D&C.  On the other hand, I’m trying to think of it as a new beginning tomorrow.   I can finally move on tomorrow and start thinking about the future, which, I hope includes another pregnancy and a baby.

I signed up to do a sprint triathlon in July.  I figure training for that will give me something to do for the next  8 weeks to take my mind off of trying to conceive.  It will also help me get back into shape.  All of the IVF drugs did NOT do my waistline any good.

Finally, I made an appointment for my husband and me to see a therapist on Wednesday. 

I’m hoping that by being proactive, I can get through this easier.   Today I actually laughed a few times–unbelievable. 

What really sucks is being thrown back into the IVF world.  I was so excited to be done with that.  Especially the waiting.  I’m going to ask my doctor tomorrow if I can go on the pill so that at least my cycle will be regulated.  Otherwise, I may be waiting months for AF!  

I also want to tell them tomorrow that I don’t want to find out the sex of the “baby”.  It’s better for me to not humanize it too much. 

Anyway, I feel like a little bit of my strength is returning, which is great.  Tomorow I expect to move backwards a few steps, but then I can really truly start healing.  I’m hoping that by the end of the week I’ll be allowed to work out a bit, and then I can start focusing on training for the triathlon!

I guess the lesson is that even without a child, there are things to look forward to in life.  Thank god for that!

Another positive to this whole thing is that I’m going to be so much more sympathetic to others who have experienced loss and grief.   I keep looking around at people on the streets today and thinking “I can’t even imagine the painful things that people have gone through.”   I hope that by understanding pain better, I can be a better friend, and a better person.

Here’s hoping that my strength continues to return, little by little.

Husband’s Thoughts 1.1

May 11, 2009

Today has been long. As I watch my wife canoodle with our cat, I can’t help but feel many things, but today, most of all, an ever-increasing, enduring love. This will make us stronger in the long run, this our hardest common experience.

I am also very proud of her. Through the juggernaut of emotion she is fighting the tide. She is working out her emotions. And I try to give her a road ahead, some small lights to grab onto and to always be there to hold and console no matter how tired and beaten-up I feel myself.

My friend told us too treat ourselves and that time will heal. We will give ourselves some things to look forward to, for forward is where we must go. Horseriding. Dinners. Watching me wilt as I agree to start running with her 🙂

On my own personal side, I keep going back to the ultrasound room. But it is hard to pin, the image. It refuses to focus. It is hazy. My wife claims I was audible in my shock when the doctor person told us. Over time I will work through this.

Day 88

May 10, 2009

This morning I woke up sad, but not in the same out of control pain that I was in yesterday.  My husband and I made a conscious effort yesterday to stay busy, and to talk about how we were feeling.  It was very helpful.  We went to have dinner with friends–something I didn’t think I could handle at the beginning of the day yesterday, but which ended up being very good.  I told them what was going on, and they were very supportive.  It helps that they don’t have children (although it’s because they don’t want them, not b/c they can’t have them). 

So, today is Mother’s Day, which isn’t too upsetting to me yet.  I am going to do something with my mother (who also had a number of miscarriages and can relate to what I am going through). 

I’m trying to analyze why I am in pain, so that I can get through it.  I’m in pain because (1) Something I was so looking forward to was taken away from me, (2) I have no control over this event, and no control over when or if I can get pregnant again, and (3) So many other people have what I want.  So, it’s not getting what I want when I wanted it, having no control, and being jealous.  I think those are things I can work through.  People don’t always get what they want in life when they want it.  That’s just a fact.  Not unique to me.  I need to learn to let go and not be obsessed with control–this is true in many parts of my life.  It will be a good lesson to learn.  And finally, jealousy is a destructive emotion that I want to get beyond.  Just because someone is pregnant or has an infant, doesn’t have any impact on my life.  I need to look at those people as in their own lives, as I’m in mine, and dissociate from the negative emotions of envy.  If no one else in the world were pregnant, I still wouldn’t be, and if everyone else were, I still wouldn’t be. 

So, my goal of the day is to try to lessen my feelings of resentment, and to understand that life throws at everyone things that they didn’t expect.   I am trying to wrangle some control over the situation by putting this definite time frame on it–i.e., it’s day 88–which isn’t completely rational, but it is still a set goal to work toward, and I am interested to see how I progress emotionally as the days go on.

My husband and I will keep busy today–we have gardening to do.  And my last day at my current job is Friday.  I’m leaving to start up my own business with my mother and father.  That should keep me busy for the next few months while my body and mind heal.

That’s all for today.  Deep breath.

Husband’s Thoughts

May 9, 2009

I tell myself that I have to be strong. For my wife and for myself. Yet, it is merely the flipside of the pain, the pain of my own loss, the pain of watching my wife’s own utter heartbreak. I have never been more connected to my wife, Yet, I will never know how she felt and feels. I wish that I could have done it for her. I wish I can take her pain from now on. It is so utterly heartrendering and frustrating to watch her and to never really know how she feels, or to never really know the thing to say to make it go away.

I had a male friend go through the same with his partner. My own words and responses to him now seem so woeful, so inadequate. I feel lessened. It was something then that now I can better understand.

Together we have agreed to take it day by day, with time set aside each day for our grieving process. I am hopeful that through that and this blog that we can seek some sort of path, some sort of process, some sort of resolve…

My first thoughts-Day 89

May 9, 2009

Yesterday was the worst day of my life. I have spent the last month enjoying being pregnant, and thinking that come December, I would have a baby to raise. That all ended yesterday when I went in for my 9 week ultrasound and found out that the baby was dead. It seems even worse, since we had to go through IVF to get me pregnant in the first place. This has already been months of pain and struggle, and I thought maybe we’d get a break somewhere down the line. Not to be.

Yesterday I cried, I screamed, I wailed. Today I woke up and started counting the minutes until I could go back to sleep. But it struck me at some point that I have no choice but to get through this. That’s not quite true. I could just end it all, but I’m not going to do that.

Rationally I know that what was inside of me (and is still inside me–my D&C isn’t until Tuesday) is just a bunch of cells–but those cells were supposed to turn into my child. If I knew I would have a baby one day, this would be easier (but not easy). But I don’t know that. I may have ten more miscarriages, or never get pregnant again. And I have to wait at least two months before I can even try again.

If there is a worse thing to feel than this loss, I don’t know what it is. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Ironic, eh? But for my husband and my sake, I have to not let this pull me all the way down.

My strategy is to give myself a little time each day to grieve, but not to let it consume me.

In 90 days I should be moving forward one way or another. So, let’s call yesterday day 90, and today day 89. Deep breath.

Inevitably I will find out that people are pregnant, or just gave birth. That will hurt like hell. I’m not sure why our bodies make jealousy so painful. What’s the evolutionary advantage to that?

So, I need a strategy for when I’m confronted with other people’s joy. I think I’ll breathe in, hold it for 5 seconds, and let go of all the pain as I exhale.

This is obviously the hardest thing I’ve ever faced, but I can’t stay in my house all day and wallow. It’s not fair to my husband or myself. Day 89. Here we go…

Starting the Process

May 9, 2009

My husband and I found out yesterday that after completing a successful round of IVF, our baby’s heartbeat stopped at 8 weeks. We are shocked, devastated, and in so much pain. But, we have to figure out how to move on, and we thought that starting a blog might help us get through this, and help others as well. So, the plan is that both of us will post what we are feeling, and how we are dealing.