Day 73

I’m still picking myself up, and sometimes I fall back down.  Saturday was an awful day.  I don’t know if it is hormones, or just raw emotion, but I was so sad again.  I stayed inside and watched t.v.  I only wanted to see my husband.  I didn’t want to go out into the world where I would have to be confronted with babies and pregnant women–all those people who seem like they have it all. 

Yesterday was much better.  My husband and I spent a lot of time gardening and running errands.  Today I got an email announcing the birth of a friend’s baby.  And shockingly, I felt nothing.  No twinges of pain, no jealousy.  I just wrote back a congratulations e-mail.  Could it be that I’m actually recovering?

We went to the doctor on Friday.  We have a plan.  I have to wait until my HCG levels go back to zero, which could be a week, two weeks, three weeks…who knows.  After that I wait two weeks and then go on provera for five days.  After I get my period, I schedule a hysteroscopy.  And then if all looks good, I go on lupron for a month.  We then are going to transfer TWO embryos.  That’s what I wanted to do originally, but they wouldn’t let me.  We have ten frozen embryos.  I keep thinking that my babies are already conceived, I just have to wait a little bit  longer to bring them home. 

So, the hope is that by the end of the summer I’ll be pregnant again.  I’m not going to pretend that the days don’t go by so slowly, because they do.  I can’t wait until it’s August.  Tomorrow I go for another blood test.  My HCG level was 500 last week, so fingers crossed it has dropped a lot again.  Maybe by next week it will be back to zero. 

I’m just so sick of having my life consumed by infertility and miscarriage.  At this point, my biggest wish is that I get pregnant with twins, and have an uneventful pregnancy, and never have to deal with any of this pain again.  That would be a realistic goal for most of the population, but for me, and for all of us who are suffering with infertility, it’s still a pipe dream.

Today is Memorial Day.  It’s absolutely beautiful out, and my husband and I are goin g to go hiking.  Life really isn’t so bad…


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