Day 77

So, time is passing, as I knew it would.  I’ve been a lot better the last few days.  I’ve started working at my new job, so I’ve been trying to focus on that.  I had a hard time when the nurse called me on Tuesday to tell me that my HCG levels had dropped to 500.  It is good that they’re dropping, because I can’t move on until they do, but it was just also a reminder of what I lost.  Last time the nurse told me my HCG levels she was telling me how great they looked because they were rising, so my pregnancy looked healthy.  So much for that.

Anyway, I was  a little bit sad, but I took a deep breath and kept going.

My husband and I are meeting with my doctor tomorrow.  I assume he’ll tell us that we need to wait until my HCG levels go down to zero, and then we can talk about next steps.  Because I have so long to wait, I guess I’m kind of just trying to forget about everything for the moment.  It’s not like the next step in this process will be immediate.  I also have been thinking that we haven’t really been trying for that long.  We really started trying last August, and by October we were at the doctor figuring out a plan for IVF.  I went on the pill within the next couple months after that, and then was waiting for insurance approval, etc., before starting IVF in March.  So, maybe we tried for four months at the most on our own.  That’s not very long.  It just seems like forever.

I’m going to meet with the therapist again today.  This time I’m going by myself, since my husband is at work.  I think it will  be my last time going.  It will be good to talk through things one more time.  I haven’t really been talking to my family about it.  I think they think that I’m strong enough to just move through it myself.  I also think that maybe my mother doesn’t want to talk to me about it, since she had four miscarriages herself, and it is a painful subject (okay, I stole that thought from my husband, but I think he’s right). 

So, I’m still moving forward.  I’m STILL smoking.  Just a couple a day, but I really need to quit.  I do keep telling myself that in a couple of months I’ll have to quit anyway since I’ll be doing another round of IVF.  For now it really helps me to calm down.  It’s terrible, I know.  I feel guilty about it, but I also feel like it’s helping me to feel better.  I’m sure I’ll regret it when I get lung cancer…

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