Day 80

So yesterday was another horrible day.  I attribute it to the drop in hormone levels.   My husband and I went to Ikea to get a rug for my new office, and I just lost it.  There were so many babies there.  I fell into a deep spiral of despair.  It took me hours to get out of it.  I was just so utterly sad.  And I kept thinking that there was no way I could ever subject myself to this pain again. 

My husband got me out of it.  He is unbelievably amazing.  Other people may have children, but I have the best husband I could have ever hoped for.  He stayed with me, he talked to me, he soothed me, and by the end of the evening we were holding each other and dancing together.  It hit me at that point that no matter what happens, whether we have children or not, I will be okay.  I love being with him, and I love our lives together.

So, today I woke up, and started on my new job.  I have a ton to do. 

I’m still not totally happy, of course, but I’m functioning.  And at this point I think functioning is all I can hope for.

I have my first blood test tomorrow, which will undoubtedly show I still have hcg in my system.  But then I can go back in a week and I hope my levels will have dropped.  I’m meeting with my doctor on Friday.  I’m not bleeding very much anymore, so I hope he’ll say I’m recovering well.  And then it’s onwards to plan b.  I would LOVE to try naturally before we do IVF again, but I’m not going to compromise our timetable.  If my doctor wants to put me on birth control right away, I will go on it. 

That’s all for now.  I think the worst part of this is not knowing how I’ll feel ten minutes from now.  I could be fine for the rest of the day, or I could totally lose it.  I’m REALLY going to try not to.  I have a bunch of embryos waiting in the freezer for me.  I need to be ready to give them a good home!

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2 Responses to “Day 80”

  1. Cat Says:

    I’m sorry for you, and your loss. It is hard when your emotions are all over the place. The number of times I have been caught out in the supermarket (that darned baby aisle).
    Your husband sounds terrific, you are lucky there.
    I hope things get better for you soon…. 80 days in isnt long, be patient and gentle with yourself.

    • movingonfrommiscarriage Says:

      Thanks for the comment, Cat. It really helps me to hear someone say that 80 days isn’t a long time. Sometimes it feels like forever. 🙂 I took a look at your blog, and will continue to follow it. It’s great to have someone to talk with who understands the pain of this experience.

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