Day 82

Yesterday I was not at my best.  It was my last day at my job, and the stress of that I think contributed to leading me into a downward spiral.  I kept thinking what was SUPPOSED to be.  I was supposed to be leaving my job and looking forward to my new life together with my child.  I was supposed to be really happy.  I was supposed to be thrilled.  And then I thought, having a baby is supposed to be a HAPPY event.  Not a traumatic event.  Not the worst thing that ever happened to me.  My husband lost me temporarily.  I wouldn’t let myself be recovered from my sadness.  I needed to wallow, and I did.  And today I’m sad too, and I’m still physically in pain and bleeding.  But I think I’m coming back.   I have to for my husband’s sake, and for my own.  It has been more than a week.  A week closer to my new pregnancy, I hope.  I do feel like I have to prepare myself for the fact that I may never have my own child.  That’s a very difficult thing to accept.

I have very little choice at this point.  Night turns into day whether I like it or not.  I have to keep breathing and stepping forward whether I like it or not.  This experience, and life in general, is not about whether I like it or not.   It just is what it is.

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