Day 84

Today I got started on my new job–helping open a new store and helping my father run his commercial real estate.  It was good to have a new project to start on.

Yesterday my husband and I met with the therapist.  It was good to talk things over.  I was really looking for her to tell me that it was okay that I was moving on.  Everyone keeps saying it’s going to be so hard for so long, and I want to say, okay, I get it, I’m going to be in pain, but at the same time, I really did have an explosive session of grief.  I lost control of myself for a good twenty-four hours.  But then I came back, and I really think I’m moving forward.  She did say that that was okay.  There is no set path to this grieving process.  That was good to hear.  She also said most people couldn’t do what I did–which was to get it most of my grief out in one explosive session.  Not that I’m not going to keep being in pain, because I will, but it’s more a dull ache from time to time, as opposed to overwhelming pain.

Physically I have felt pretty bad over the last twenty-four hours.  I started cramping and bleeding really heavily last night.  I called the doctor on call, who said that it was normal, and actually it meant that my uterus was contracting back to normal size.  He said a great thing which was “hopefully this will all be over soon and you can move forward from this.”  I really needed to hear that, and it made me look at the physical symptoms in a positive way.  I have to go in on Tuesday for a beta to see where my hcg levels are.  Inevitably they will still be high, and I’ll have to go in after another week.  I feel like the two month waiting period will just be extended further and further…but who knows.  I’m meeting with my doctor next Friday.  I’m hoping he’ll say that I just have to wait for two periods.  If so, then I hope I’ll be able to go on provera in another couple of weeks to get my period, and then birth control so it will only be one more month after that before I get my period again.  If that’s the case, then maybe I’ll stay on the two month schedule.  I REALLY hope so.

I keep thinking about all of my frozen embryos (we had 16 embryos–and at least 10 of them they were going to freeze-but we haven’t gotten the official report since my doctor hadn’t bothered to have the embryos analyzed since I had been “successful”).  Anyway, my thought is that there are at least 10 (I hope) little embryos waiting for the chance to grow, and if I can get ready over the next two months to give them a good home, that will be great. 

I also keep telling myself that I’m getting through this and moving on for my future children.  I can’t get them (however I end up getting them, either by having them, or adopting) unless I’m strong enough to move on from this experience. 

In the meantime, I’m going to get my business going, and start eating healthier.  The one horrible thing I’ve let myself do during this grieving is smoke.  Not much, but after I’m done with the pack I bought on the day I found out about the miscarriage, then I’m done.  I’ll go back to being healthy.  I’m still concerned about working out.  The study my doctor told me about (which was done by Brigham and Women’s hospital–my hospital–and Harvard Medical School) showed that women who exercised more than 4 hours a week 1-9 years before doing IVF had drastically reduced success rates.  The article abstract is here: in case anyone is interested.  I’ve been an avid exerciser for years, and now I think all that time I thought I was doing the right thing, I wasn’t!  My plan is to start swimming after I’m healed from the D&E (two weeks from now).  I’ll also walk.  It will be a huge change from the running, spinning, lifting I used to do. 

That’s it for today.  Tomorrow it will be one week since I found out.  I feel like I’ve come so far in that one week.  I’m going to try to keep moving only forward…


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One Response to “Day 84”

  1. Zed Says:

    Hi Elizabeth….
    I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I wish there was more that i could say or do to express myself – but the truth is I haven’t been there so I don’t know how you feel. I do know the feeling on “longing” to be a mum & I really thought you were there & was so excited for you.
    I think you have such a great plan, I look forward to seeing you come through the other end, with memories of what could have been & a zeal for the future & what will be.
    Good luck with the new job.
    Miss you on DS loads – Zed

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